1. |
Tuscon
02:32
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the hot night was more thick than I thought
and the sea of the sky was the color of my heart
and I walked I walked just to be just to walk
I feel my legs I feel my thoughts
oh they crash up against me like waves on the rocks
oh they wrap me in cobwebs and leave me tied up
I will walk like I could get lost
as if these streets could feel new
I will wait for you to call
I will wait for this to fall apart
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2. |
Body of Water
05:48
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my body is water my body is land
where the storms swell at sea and come rolling in
my body is jagged cliffs ships cannot land
a body of water too frigid to swim
it’s not safe in the water but I’m wanted on land
as a body for wanting or as one of them
make study of wanting claim absence from pain
make poems of your body to let yourself in
but a body can’t hold a raging wind a body can’t hold the ocean
tired hands tangled muscles the cold creeping in
through the cracks round the windows as the floor caves in
in the woods there was silence where it should not have been
a body can’t own the trees and the land
I’ll ask the river to make me strong but my fear’s so big how could I be wrong
and I know how my joints feel in the cold
and the world is too big to hold
well the light it dances cross our kitchen floor
and the dust pools in the corners of the room
and your hands are made of many shifting shapes
I try to track their motion as we speak
as if they hold the secrets of your strength
and I would memorize you if I could
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3. |
The Heat
06:01
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I’ll pick wild flowers for my love as often as I can
in hopes she sees I see she’s wild and beautiful as them
it’s hard to see from where we stand anything but an end
the howling does come in
the heat is wide and the cold is thin
the heat of these drives like the heavy breathing of giants
maps tangled with wires held taught each year of my life
oh there’s nothing like the feeling when you don’t sleep for two nights
and your body is a vessel or a beacon in the night
for ships to break themselves upon if you can’t keep the light
when you give your words so honestly the emptiness ignites
till your heart becomes expected and you’re filled with strangers’ desires
and we drive
the sweet scent of fire oh I wanted it to make me cry
it tugs at desires on the sweat of my lover who died
it recalls the sinking hollow left when someone leaves your life
and I wish to meet it like a dam releasing in the fading light
we ran across those rocks like we were running for our lives
but when the floodgates opened it was not the river’s full might
suspended on those wires I thought I might glimpse something whole
but it turns out they were loosely tangled even as time slows
but I’ll still try
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4. |
Thaw
03:31
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well the dogs were running and the sinking feeling was all consuming
and the tethers binding worth to what we were doing were so frayed and weak already
fingers release and it’s a slow unraveling
but the cold is less painful than thawing
and the ghosts know your name where you’re homecoming
and the days you stop longing for dying
all collide with the heaviest doom
speak my name by the ocean where the wind resounding is deafening
oh these pines have known me they are unforgiving but they will hold me
I’ll follow your swarm to the swells that meet the shores
of the river where we were all children
where translucent but strong we are reaching
towards the words we are finally knowing
so I mouth to the wind I was wrong
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5. |
To Be Soft
02:57
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grew up in the north not the far north but the north enough to know
the sting of the wind and the numb of months and months of snow
when you go I’ll try not to let myself be all
I was there on the stoop in the snow I was there
I was there I would sing so I’d know I was there
your words are so robotic your eyes want where you didn’t end up you aren’t alone in the night
you still love one another you just don’t kiss each other your hands are warm and safe late at night
and I wanna love me as I was when I was seventeen
when all of the sharp things were pouring into my body
when all of the lies that could keep me safe
were forged into armor it’s hard to escape
and I wanna love you with all of my body
but it’s full of defenses they are faster than I am
they are so sharp they make me so sharp
I am not an ocean I am not jagged cliffs
I would be a bird I would be a swarm of bees
I would be soft as the soil soft enough to sink into
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6. |
Mud
04:53
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it’s not enough to be soft
if you can’t be strong
i don’t want to be mud
if i let it this pain could be the end of me
bubbles floating to the surface as i sleep sink deep
i could wallow in my illness till it has all of me
or pretend that i can run when i am crawling
and this is not what i thought
this is not what i thought
walk down to the water wherever i am living
i will find it it’s not waiting unless there is none flowing
i can tell i’m holding my breath if i haven’t found the water
when i notice this it shows me if i’m gonna find my way back
and so far i have
found home in the silence that the water leaves in my thoughts
not like all the rest of the time when they swarm and hum and burrow
and i’ve found home in assumptions of what people have to hold me
found home in misunderstandings of what i am freely giving
and i’m not there now
move away
rebuild your life it’s like when your childhood pets have all died
and you know it won’t be the same if you go home
oh no it won’t be the same if you go home
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7. |
My Love Is
02:44
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baby I don’t want this space
I want you at my side I want you at my side
but I need
I wanted you like snow wants to cover the trees
clinging to your branches till the wind shook me
I dreamt we were both standing tall with rustling leaves
two amongst a forest snow a blanket at our feet
oh it was real we found love it was different from all that i’d felt before
but our room was all walls running into themselves cutting every route off
I am sunk deep in mud it’s a sinkhole everywhere I try to trust
you say you’re not cold just far are we too broken not to break each other’s broken hearts
I hold tight onto things
I get lost in words and dreams
I don’t want you for my everything
I want to run with you I want to be nourishing
I can’t keep up with you the soil is frozen
my love is tangled threads
my love is sickening
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8. |
Love Is Not
04:14
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i wanna believe that I deserve the kind of love that doesn’t always hurt
and I wanna believe that I can hold something fragile in my hands
and I wanna believe that your grip on me wasn’t meant to crush anything
and I wanna believe that the cold I felt was the distance like you said
and I know home is not to be called upon
and I know it’s not as simple as deserving or belonging
I know love can’t heal it all
and I love you doesn’t strengthen when you say it every hour every day
when you wish on every eyelash every 11:11 that someone will just be ok
I dreamt that you died so many nights and the loss followed me through so many days
i was so sure that it would be the way that the power of my love for you would betray me
till i woke up with so much chipped away by the smallest of chisels resentment rusting me away
pack it away if it interferes with the story of what this should feel like show my friends what this should look like
till it is bursting out of every seam of my body I am sick all the time cry for you I’m sick all the time
you think I’m weak but I’m holding this storm and it’s heavier than anything I’m so mixed up you are always right
putting me down what does it strengthen i’ve never cried as much as this year love isn’t all about power
baby I’m not the snow and you’re not the leaves
pain flows with love when we’re to shattered to do more than breathe
I’m trying to think that there’s more there for us to be
but I know I can’t be much if who I love does not believe in me
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9. |
I Don't Talk To You
03:54
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i am full of bugs
swarming
up
and out
of me
cause it smells like fall
the air smells like fall
i can feel words like arms wrapping around me
telling me i won’t be lonely
but I haven’t really felt lonely since i left
you made me feel things much worse than loneliness
breaking trust is one thing when you never really had it
you’re like me how could you do this to me?
now I don’t talk to you
and I don’t get to see you
i’ve got me
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10. |
Mine
03:23
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I am not breathing easy
I have not been sleeping easy
nothing is easy nothing is easy
I have got warmth under my skin
i am a fire fed by this wind
i have my hunger and my hands
oh how the howling does come in
i would like to be wrong oh tell me I’m wrong and not forgiven
I want to be at fault control I want to be wrong and strong and changing
if i make it all my fault will I eventually get to go home
if i accept it as not my own how will i ever call anything home
i wasn’t enough I’m never enough at least it felt that way
i can’t be enough that’s not how it works but it still felt like failing
at being a dam between you and everything you’d never say
and now that it’s said i never was there I was gone
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11. |
What's Left
02:22
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let it go and then there’s a hollow place
rustling leaves and debris that she left in me
open the window if you want to you don’t have to
my heart will never again fly as swift as it did towards her beacon
never oh no mistake for love
a heaping on of heavy words
words drenched in honey
dripping and sticky
words made of rope vines thick with thorns
where did I go where did I go
now is this home now that I know
what is not love what is not home
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12. |
Like Oceans
04:04
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off the coast waves are swelling
oh the tension of them rippling like muscles
can’t come home without breaking
when they reach you break against you foam engulfs you
oh you stay in the water longer than me
oh you are of the sea
I am the soil but you could crash onto me
it’s ok you go rushing out just come back again please
oh we have been broken but baby we move carefully
I wanna be there and see how your shards they are shimmering
I won’t tell you that I’m not scared of all the sharp things we are carrying
but I’ll tend this love carefully
from my room in the city
all the cars are the ocean
from your room where your staying
can you hear them like oceans?
i can hear the dogs barking
on the phone when you call me
every sound is a tunnel
when you’re made out of fragments
like the dogs in the backyard
like the dogs in my old dreams
when we sleep in the same bed
sometimes I still wear headphones
presence is a slow process
but i’m learning
i’ll meet you somewhere warmer
I’ll come meet you wherever
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13. |
||||
my body is written as tragedy
but i’m not trying to do that anymore
I’m trying not to do that anymore
what if we deserve to feel joy
what does it really mean to ask for more
leaving all of our clothes on the shore
letting go of tragic metaphors
where changing is to lose something
and i don’t want to make choices out of fear
to become the foam on the waves
to walk every step upon glass
to be my own man who saves me
this story is not about me
i will always find a way to sing
clinging will not stop the changing
to move is not the same as to leave
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14. |
An End
02:46
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where do you go if you leave will arms be there to wrap around you
hands to form a swarm around the things we tried to help you see
stars come out and form the lace above you
the grass is wet it cools the heat
inside of you that burns when you are reaching
to reinforce your armor make it stay
is an end severed off cleanly
or is it years of backing away
flickering lights in the clouds dissipating
saying goodbye i hope you can change
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