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Now I Know You and See How Wide You Are to the World

by Paper Bee and Loone

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Loone: Foam 07:50
5.
the most desolate stretches of highway surround me when I say I am home stretching out like the sorest of arms through the heat reaching to the sea grasping towards a life that was never mine towards my ghosts in the thickest darkest pines where the moon dappled snow takes the form of a hearts deepest fears they can find you in your room under the covers with all the lights on it doesn't matter thousands of miles only makes them stronger I fell in love with the shadow you cast it enveloped the whole coast it let me remain exiled by nothing married to escape I had hoped to wake up in the morning as oh something else anything anything else oh the undertow grasps at my ankles and I'm tumbling I remain spinning through the dark to stay out at sea where there is no easy answer and I am only me and the foam on the waves isn't safe but it's something like home it's a process we've been told but legends of comfort are haunting our bones it doesn't matter trying to change only makes it harder I fell in love with ideas of boys salvation disgust validation and pain take my awful body wrap me in lace and drench me in honey diving back into the salt we are safe no boys allowed can this just be my place? scream under water bubbles come out is this tears or laughter? mom I'm so sorry I can't be your girl I am a strange creature of sadness and words but I am not leaving you are the one who showed me the ocean
6.
started off whole started off true it was simple I mean honest between me and you something so good can't leave it alone we distort it twist it place upon it every time we think it till it shows us everything we could be in the fading scent of someone who is not there someone who can't hurt you someone who you hope is someone who is perfect when she's just a letter so shed another skin I am not sure I'm what I say I am but please send details of your flaws so I can't turn you into something cold and statuesque towering above my bed I wanna hold the shattered pieces to my lips and try and understand so broken we will break our breaking hearts against eachother spilling out our splinters on our pillows staining sheets with our loss till the sun's back on your face and the day is just another day and leaving you will take a version of me that I hope is close to right and I'll stay up all night
7.
the end: we wake up and I can't reach you your eyes are still closed I know you're awake I heard you shaking but you're nowhere near and I can't do shit we get up I still can't reach you the coffee's lukewarm and the space growing between us is silent expansive cold the end part 2: when it rains in this desert I'm home clouds roll in and I don't feel as old smell the asphalt I'm a kid again wasn't better but I still miss it and I can't try to hold a light to your sharp elbows in my bed and the dried crisp leaves around your head and the train never came and I would never claim that we found what we needed in each other no it wasn't what we needed in each other or at least it wasn't enough it wasn't enough and now I'm not ok it wasn't enough it wasn't enough and now nothing feels sacred your hands in the soil your fingers they move through the moist they are safe we tried to go back it wasn't the same now it's crumbled and gone the last time we talked I knew it was gone it was the physical absence of something
8.
I am picturing you at 17 your body's to hard to taught the world's too mean and you're scrappy and wide grinned but your skin is so thin you are stared at but rarely seen and I was here in the dry heat with upturned palms and scraped knees where I dreamt of flying monster machines carrying me from the city and I wanna fold that tired body into strong arms thick and mending that could place you somewhere safer but then how would you have found me? these are the chords you return to they have a way of holding you and leading you into the brambles dark and twisting shapes entangled soothe you into someplace old and haunted with discarded words you pluck them from a thorny vine and place them back upon your tongue and oh sweet longing yearning for the triumph that could come your voice rang out across the room I didn't understand it but I saw you there outstretched and grasping something in me that was breaking casting out a net of moonlit hopes all woven in your chest I felt it slip around us pressing lace into my bed and a tiny silver ringing slices through my dreams so close to your head and I wanna see you laughing and I wanna know your needs are being met and I wanna hold your hand and go explore the pulsing humming darkness
9.
the thin walls that protect me from what's to big feel thinner lately the sleep is bad the dreams are bad so I wanna hear your heart beat cause I do believe that you care about me it feels as inescapable as the way I fear this heat oh surround me with your love strong as a swarm of bees

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released December 17, 2015

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paper bee Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

nick + toni + cherise + sam!

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